Psychology and Faith- We are human

Journal Entry:

"But here is another thing I think is commonly misunderstood in the Christian culture; if you fully accept the love of Christ than you will love yourself (because you are made in the image of Christ). Well, from a psychological standpoint it is not that easy, you cannot just say "Ok, I do this, now I am this" or "I do God's love (aka I accept God's love) and then I love myself. Do you know how much psychological construction goes into fully loving yourself?

I wish it was as simple a laying it at the feet of Jesus and then just leaving it; but Christ doesn't call for our relationship with Him to be like a city dump we occasionally drop off a broken TV at. No, He calls us to a relationship where we take our no longer useful analog TV and work with Him to build it into a fish tank! He doesn't want us to say "Ok, I am done" He wants us to say "Ok, I am done, can WE begin?" It is the ultimate partnership.

There is no way a person can just wake up on day and say "oh, I am loved by God" and expect there to be immediate change. Do you know how deep the roots of Christ's love grow in your heart? Love is not some shallow weed that a three year-old can pluck out. Love is something so rooted into our hearts that it takes massive cultivation and that takes blood, sweat and tears. God gives you the strength, the fresh blood and dries your tears.

But never forget it is a relationship with Christ and that simply means that both you and Him have to pick up a shovel and move some dirt. In the end, the acceptance of Grace is realizing that God's shovel is much bigger than yours."

Windows

(I just liked the light, I like the light windows allow us)

(When the sun shines through this window I am always happy because it is like there is a piece of art in our kitchen!)

(Your escape- through books, they let a part of you out)

(My favorite window because it is huge)

Windows, kinda wondering why you picked windows, maybe you were looking out a window when you wrote it. I have some ideas and I haven't done all of them yet. I first thought "Your eyes are the window to your soul" but then that was too cliche. Windows are a way to escape, to let out the air and let other air come in. By law, a room must have a window to be considered a bedroom. On airplanes I always choose the window seat. There is a lot to work with and I will keep going with it. But for now here you go....

To Haley

(Springing up)

(Kite flying, the ability to be outside)

(Riding bikes on dry pavement)

(Drying out my shoes after a run in the rain- this one is my favorite)

This was not easy. I first thought of babies and Springtime. It seems like everyone has their baby around now. I really think the true sign of Spring is when people (mostly college students) start wearing flip flops when it is raining. I will get a picture of that up here soon. So I kinda half assed this assignment, the pictures are intentional but not intentional enough to satisfy my approval. I will get more up soon.

Thanks for your patience.

Need your help

I need to be taking more photographs so I figured I would enlist your help.

Tell me something you want me to take a picture of, anything (within reason) and if I don't post your picture within 7 days, I will owe you beers or a book of your choice.

I am pretty sure I will be picking up my camera no matter if no one gives me a suggestion but I think there is something to be said about letting others influence what you produce.

Let me know, thanks for your help!

Take your medicine

I don't consider myself a funny person.

I know funny people and they seem to be able to get a whole room to listen their story or follow them in some silly dance with costumes. I can lead a group on a discussion of their feelings and how to communicate, but group humor has never been my gift.

Today I went to my second "Take your medicine class" which is a class at my gym where you use a medicine ball in ways you would think impossible (like throwing it over your head with one hand and catching it with the other, shifting your weight from one foot to the other at the same time).

So far during every class I have had to hold back my laughter...at myself. I am the most uncoordinated person you will ever meet. I cannot follow an instructor through a mirror while trying to stay on beat. I am dyslexic and musically challenged. Add a eight pound ball into the mix and I look like an awkward seventh grader at a dance who is wearing a fanny pack and will only dance at arms length with you.

If you ever want to laugh, really hard, just come take a step class, dance class or medicine ball class with me. It just feels good to have some laughs and be able to laugh at myself.

The Drive

My perfect sunrise
is when
the imperfection of scattered clouds
rests on a spotless sky.

Continue to drive, as the moon and sun
have a perfect pulse
that creates graceful and
equal separation.

And I am only on track 5.

Annika

She is one of those that I can sob with and then laugh with in the same hour. She makes my soul grow and rest. She is a treasure.

Annika is an intern at The House in Chattagnoa TN this year. It has been an honor to get tidbits of her year there. She is giving the talk on Tuesday and mostly I desire for her peace in her words. As we talked today she told me about her talk, the ultimate goal and the underlinning message, I was filled with a sense of joy and pride for my friend.

Annika, your name is actually captivating and passionately loved. We call you Annika but I know the Lord has beautiful names written on your heart, a true identity that is beyond beauty, that takes the whole view into consideration.

You are loved and cherished. I wish I could be there to listen to you talk and give you a hug afterwards.

Here are some of my thoughts on the text, not 100% sure it is what you are covering but the text is powerful and thank you for asking wanting to know what my thoughts were.

Jesus told Peter what he is. "You are Peter". Can you imagine how massively your life would change if you heard Christ say "you are Annika." Listen for it, he says it every day, every minute.

Once Jesus says who Peter is, he revealed the plan. Your identity comes first and then the plan. I am such a planner, I want to know everything about the day before it begins but Jesus desires for us to know who we are before we go anywhere.

Peter= build, solid, rock, Church. What words does God use when describing what he will do with you? What words would scare you and what words would you hold onto too tightly?

So once Jesus gives identity he gives out a plan, and that is to go to the cross. Peter's reaction is denial, "Never, Lord!" The psychology side of me kicks in here, denial is the first sign of grief, Peter begins to grieve, he knows what he is loosing. Peter's identity is built and destroyed within a matter or words. Christ tells him who he is but does then goes to tell him the one that created that identity will be destroyed. But wait there is hope! Christ will rise again, death does not destroy. We must remember that the identity Christ gives in us cannot be destroyed, even by death.

Thanks for caring what I think. I love you .

Forever my love

Forever will my soul rest in these frigid salty waters. The ocean is my home, the Puget Sound my living room- I travel on it, I smell it and feel a sense of release. Part of my blood has Puget Sound water running in it.

Have you ever longed for a place so badly you let your soul live there while your body walks somewhere else? I let my soul live on these waters, on this beach. It is not good to let one live apart from another; but if you have met anyone who has let their soul stay on a Sunday night as they get on the ferry, as they crossover; then you will understand it is necessary.

It feels timely to come back here right now, to greet my soul after a long winter.

(I apologize for writing so much about this place, but if you love something so much, you want to share it with everyone you love)

Getting It Done

This is one of my favorite photographs of my dad. It says so much about him to me, his commitment to working hard, his willingness to get a job done and the typical scene around 10 am on a Saturday at the Beach.

I have been craving the Beach lately, craving the simplicity and warmth that the windows let in. This time around I am craving something more than I thought possible. I want to learn. Learning out at the Beach mostly means getting my Carhartts on and following dad around like an eager child. Asking questions about tools, why we do this but not that and how he keeps the hillside from sliding. I want to learn how to own this place.

This also means carefully looking at the hundreds of photographs that line the walls, making sure I know who is who. Learning how to make crab cakes and salmon in a way that would honor all of those who have done it before me. Learn how to mix the drinks and keep them flowing in such a way that any person would feel welcome.

So many memories to be created out there and so many that I have already stored in my heart; all of which help me get through the week, through December and January, through the times when I just need to get it done.

Moments

Pour

I am learning...

When to pour yourself a glass

I am learning...

How to take the time

To make a meal that starts with pesto and chicken

And ends with a crimson residue

I am learning...

Small joys are the greatest to be had.

Talk About It

Sometimes I am dismayed by my inability to talk about it. Talk about conflict, hurt, anger, simple things like paying bills etc. I have a hard time bringing up difficult issues but once the words leave my mouth, I feel a sense of relief. I really don't like conflict but what I hate most about it is it’s ability to stop people from talking about the core issue. Whether it is my fear of the conflict escalating, fear or rejection or insecurity, it is hard for me to talk about it.

The other night I had dinner with a dear friend and as we made s'mores in the fireplace I told her, I wish I had someone in my life to fight it out with. To really have it, scream and shout at each other and the insanity of the world. I crave the security of a relationship that has room for conflict.

Although I crave that in one area of my life, I am willing to enter into it in an area that is often too uncomfortable. I will not say nothing when someone or a relationship I have is dying. Death is not an unspeakable topic for me. I will yell, sob, swear and fight because I am not willing to let loss happen to me without throwing a few blows first.

I have decided to apply my willingness to enter into the world of bereavement and death and apply to become a Hospice volunteer. It might be strange to be 23 years old and want to help people go through letting go of life and grieving but it seems like a natural next step in understanding people.

So this is an area of life most are not willing to talk about but I hope my word will continue to have grace and dignity as I pursue this path.

most like myself

I started a new journal in June in hopes of getting a fresh start of understanding myself. I decided that at the end of every entry I would write one line that started with the phrase "I feel most like myself when..."

Here are some of my most like myself thoughts:

When I take naps on blankets in the park and let the sun keep me warm.

When I let that joy out. When I let the child laugh.

When I listen to stories that have aged with time, stories that make me want to live more

When I sit on the deck for dinner at 10:30pm.

When I feel loved.

When I write letters, poems and words on paper, when it feel likes my soul bleeds ink.

When I travel.

When I process it, let it out.

When I realize I am capable of loving and knowing I want to.

When I accept I have ugly parts of me. i do not like it, but I acknowledge it is there.

When I acknowledge that it hurts, when I do not hide from the pain.

When I discuss life with friends.

When I am home with music, wine and candles.

When I am at the beach- when I can smell salt water, hear seagulls and dance upon beached logs.

When I try to put myself in someone else's shoes.

I can only hope that the list gets longer as I continue to discover who I am.

Starting a Fire

I have always lacked confidence in my fire starting abilities. It probably has something to do with the fact that there has always been a man around that wants to start it for me or sees the piles of newspaper and half charred sticks and quickly takes over.

Well I am here at the beach by myself and last night was cold enough to need a fire. My first attempt failed miserably and I blame it on wet wood. So I started over, carefully placing the wood so it would get enough oxygen, enough newspaper and some matches. It started just fine, but the real test is if it will last. The thing I don't like about woodburning stoves is they work best when you have the doors closed, I have no way of seeing what the fire is doing or even if it is going. I have to rely on the heat I feel and the consistent pitch of the whistle.

My point is, you have to close the doors. You have to start something and then let go of control and hope it does what it was designed to do. Control is never easy for me to let go of, I like knowing how things work and how they will end up working. So this simple fire is yet another reminder in my life that I can only do so much, that at some point I have to close the doors and hope that what is happening on the other side will sustain me and keep me warm.

Capturing Joy

(bird just pooped on our heads)


(big smiles)


(jumping but not)


(just won a new car!)


(biggest face possible)


(smallest face possible)


(being friends)

Asher

I went up to Vancouver this weekend to see Asher. I cannot tell you how many hours I could stand by his bed, letting him hold my hand or pull my glasses off of my face. I could watch him sleep for hours. Asher is truly a joy in my life, he has a strong personality and lots of love to give.

As I drove home today I kept thinking of Courtney (Asher's mom). Courtney spends most of her days by his side. She has learned how to change his tubes and how to discern his cries. She has learned how to be patient and have hope. I do not know how I could live for eight months in the neonatal intensive care unit, to be a mother and have to rely on other people to care for my son. But it is clear that Courtney's strength comes from her faith in God's love.

I only hope that when I am a mom, I can hold my children so freely in my arms that there is no doubt that the Lord is the one that is actually holding them.

Realize

What I realized today....

A dinner table is one of my most treasured places.

I miss Maui, I miss mom and long walks on a beach. I miss being a little girl and having sand in my swimsuite. I miss boogyboarding and letting the ocean toss me around. I miss watching the sun melt into the ocean. I long for those days on the beach. I long to be as free as the five year old with short red hair, I miss the place I learned how to laugh from my soul.

The smell of creosote logs combined with the ocean will forever make me feel at home, feel safe.

If you run hard and long enough you might actually be able to run from whatever is chasing you.

Everyday, everything is in preparation for something. This is not an excuse to not live for today, but remember that tomorrow has promise.

Pecans, apples, feta, chicken, raspberry dressing and some lettuce are very good together.

I am grateful for my ability to discover, learn and realize.

Defining me

W.

The other day I wore a W on my chest. It wasn't because I am supporter of G.W., it was not because I am a woman.

I wore it because I am white.

It was a scarlett letter in many ways, symbolizing something that will never wash away. I wore it for my good friend l o t i who is an amazing photograph and is doing a show centered around society identifying us by our race. She is using her images to help people remember that we are all still "fucked up" when it comes to how race plays a factor in society and our identity. We have moved past law demanding segeration into an ignorant form of passive racism. l o t i photographed me, along with 24 other people and asked us to describe what race we circle when asked to idenitify ourselves. Here was my response:


"I circle white everytime. There is no confusion, it is clear as day.
I am white and those three words have given me priviledge even before
I could say them. It is not something I asked for or earned, it is not
just or deserved. I am white and that means I supposedly have it made.
Those three words give me an unwritten power, a power I do not deny
and do not want. This is how society defines me, a society constructed
by colonial white men I will never know. I do not want to be defined
by someone who does not know me. Like someone who simply sees the
penciled circle around a five letter word."

Check out the show at All City Coffee in Pioneer Square for the month of October.

The Great Return

Many of my good friends are returning from Beyond soon. I am thrilled to have them back in the city, to be able to go on coffee dates again or long walks. I am also nervous. I have this idea that if you go up to the magic inlet in the Jarvis you will come back a different person, your life will be changed forever. This is true, usually... I have also held onto the notion that that type of growth and change cannot happen anywhere else. You cannot be impacted in a more profound way than if you spend a summer up at Beyond. Well my summer has simply proven that wrong, made me realize that I was a fool to think that.

This summer really is about the great return, I came home this summer, I made the skin I am in my home. It sounds funny but I truly started to live in myself, accept myself and all the consequences that that brings. Most importantly I came home to the Lord. My faith/trust in the Lord was on hold for about 2 years. But I finally returned, with nothing to offer and everything to humbly ask for.

I have finally realized that change will happen anywhere, there is no place on this earth that God will not rock your world and change how you see it. So I am still nervous because I automatically think their summers will have been better, more romantic and full of adventure but I realize I cannot compare my summer with theirs. I have something special that happened in this beautiful city. I have started to claim ownership over myself, become intentional and passionate about pursuing the Lord and found joy in thousands of small moments.

And so I have returned, I don't know where I went but I know I needed to go and I know that I needed to return.

Simplicity Grows

I spent some time in the park, on my blanket with my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was the beginning of the summer and I had no idea where these months would take me. But I let the warmth soak in, I slept and read and took photographs. There was something about this day that helped me slow down, breathe and let my soul rest for the days and weeks that would come about. I cherish this day in the park because it reminds me of simplicity and its need for letting the soul grow.

Although little and fragile, my soul has grown.