Talk About It

Sometimes I am dismayed by my inability to talk about it. Talk about conflict, hurt, anger, simple things like paying bills etc. I have a hard time bringing up difficult issues but once the words leave my mouth, I feel a sense of relief. I really don't like conflict but what I hate most about it is it’s ability to stop people from talking about the core issue. Whether it is my fear of the conflict escalating, fear or rejection or insecurity, it is hard for me to talk about it.

The other night I had dinner with a dear friend and as we made s'mores in the fireplace I told her, I wish I had someone in my life to fight it out with. To really have it, scream and shout at each other and the insanity of the world. I crave the security of a relationship that has room for conflict.

Although I crave that in one area of my life, I am willing to enter into it in an area that is often too uncomfortable. I will not say nothing when someone or a relationship I have is dying. Death is not an unspeakable topic for me. I will yell, sob, swear and fight because I am not willing to let loss happen to me without throwing a few blows first.

I have decided to apply my willingness to enter into the world of bereavement and death and apply to become a Hospice volunteer. It might be strange to be 23 years old and want to help people go through letting go of life and grieving but it seems like a natural next step in understanding people.

So this is an area of life most are not willing to talk about but I hope my word will continue to have grace and dignity as I pursue this path.