Today

I am captured by the world,
The grind.
Somewhere between
"what can I get started for you?"
and
"did I send that email?"
my time was sold.
And admist this constant
movement
there is a voice that cries louder than ever before,
"You want to stop, yet desire to go".
I hit a red light,
the weight of the day finally falls on my shoulders.
I actually allow myself to feel it.
Then there is a green,
And green means go.

Auntie Lolo

I became an aunt yesterday! Well an unofficial, no blood but will always send birthday cards with checks in them kinda aunt. The kind of aunt that wears colorful pajamas and builds forts in the living room whenever he comes for a sleepover. The kind of aunt that loves him unconditional. Although I have no actual obligation to show up to birthday parties or graduations, I have a responsibility to give this little boy all the love I can.

Asher was born two months premature, with his intestines outside of his body and his stomach in his chest. He fought for his life before he was given it. To this day, he fights for every breath. In the Neonatal ICU you can hear God say "Now take this breath, now this one." It is not the typical voice of God we hear in the delivery room saying "I have the most amazing life planned for you." When I saw Asher yesterday I was overcome with love, I am not lying when I say that I could spend all day letting him hold me pinkie, saying over and over again, "I simply love you". It is the type of love that makes me want to love others around me more intentionally, more boldly and more freely. I realized how much of a gift my healthy life has been and all I have to offer Asher is my love.

I am so excited to have a little guy in my life like Asher. I told him all about Vashon, how I will teach him to snowboard and about how funny his uncles are. I told him about the inlet, how it is so beautiful, how the mountains hide behind these big green walls and how I will take him on a Beyond trip. I told him how much his parents love him and will do anything for him.

It is an honor to be in Asher's life, to be called an auntie and to love such a strong, beautiful, brave little boy.

What I would say

If I had a little sister, this is what I would tell her.

I never thought I would say it,
But every girl needs to know how her heart breaks.
The loss of a boy, a childhood dream or a close friendship;
She will break.
Men take things apart to put them back together again,
Women prefer to keep things together.
But there is no way to know how the pieces will fall
Until they have hit the ground.
There is no way to learn to mend
Until there is something to mend.
A girl needs to know how her heart breaks
To discover what is inside.
I would never want my friends', my daughters', my mother's heart to break
When they do, I will at least be there to help them find the beauty in the brokeness
And the joy in the pain of mending.


I need to be reminded that love is the most important thing,
That love conquers and rests.
That love is in all of us.
I need to remember that there are thousands of people that do
not get to say goodby to their loved ones.
That love remains even though people are gone.
I need to remember that I am capable of being loved.
I need to cry over the beauty that love has created.
That love is a result of Grace in action.